Anything Lime


shiner medium

In light of my recent injury, I’ve agreed to hold a brief press conference to clear up some of the confusion.

Q: Is this a mug shot?

A: No, I wasn’t arrested. I slammed my face into a door. No bar fights, no glorious story to tell the grandkids. Just some good ‘ol fashioned discombobulation that led to the inflamed, colorful markings strewn about my face.

Q: Is it true Patrick clubbed you with a table lamp?

A: Yes. No, it’s absolutely not true. The injury was sustained while attempting to use the bathroom in the dark. Actually, I was 100 percent successful in using the bathroom, it was exiting the bathroom that posed its challenges. I swung open the door, in the dark mind you, and cracked myself in the nose.

Q: Was there bleeding involved?

A: Massive, massive amounts of bleeding. And gushing. And crying. Then more bleeding until finally the bleeding stopped and I resumed my usual wee-hours-of-the-morning activity: sleeping.

Q: Is it true Patrick clubbed you with the butt end of a chain saw?

A: Absolutely not. Next question.

Q: What’s it like being in public? You know, around other people… people who don’t understand the fragile state of your nose?

A: Unbearable. Every time someone wheels a cart near me in a grocery store I scream my mother’s name. And she never answers.

Q: Is it true Patrick clubbed you with a vacuum hose while vacuuming for the 19th time in four days?

A: That’s not true. Except for his vacuuming 19 times in four days. Because that’s exactly right.

Q: What is it like going to work and sitting in meetings with people who are politely pretending you don’t look as though you were mauled by a rampant goat at a nearby petting zoo?

A: I can tell they’re trying to avoid looking at it, and when I catch them, I try my best to wiggle it a little. I think it hurts all parties involved. I can only imagine they assume I lead a double life as a bounty hunter or a parole officer or one of those break dance fighters. I think it’s better to let them make up stories – at least in terms of my street cred.

Q: Is it true Patrick clubbed you with a rampant goat at a nearby petting zoo?

A: That is incorrect regardless of what my coworkers might assume (which I’m still hoping has something to do with break dance fighting).

Q: How has this injury affected your life?

A: I had to skip yoga. I repeat: SKIP YOGA. In other words – THIS NOSE BASHING HAS COMPLETELY RUINED MY LIFE. I have been going to yoga with a layer of tape on my left big toe to help me cope with the pain and make me forget that I AM MISSING A TOENAIL. The amount of pain I feel while rolling over my toes during each vinyasa is nothing compared to the radiating throb that I feel in my nose and face every time I bend over. I’d be no match for the fearless Downward Facing Dog.

Thank you all for your questions. I’m afraid we’re out of time. Let this be a lesson to all of us in the importance of night lights.