Anything Lime



Obituary will read, “was devoured by insects”

I went walking with Kya and Soto this morning, as I do most mornings that I’m actually able to fight the urge to hit the snooze button several hundred times before slinking out of bed and onto the floor. And that’s usually followed by a few slow but forceful log rolls into the bathroom where I curl up into a ball on the bathmat and fall softly back to sleep. I stay there until Patrick returns from walking the dogs, when he’ll open the bathroom door into my head and act confused like, “You still live here?” or “Aren’t you supposed to be at work?”

So anyway, the walk is about a mile out and a mile back, a journey that is essential to both Soto’s energy level maintenance program and Kya’s weight-loss plan. Not to mention it’s the only time I am not confined to my cubicle, so breathing outdoor air is always more than just a bit refreshing.

We’d reached our landmark this morning, done our business and were turning around when it hit me. I mean, bit me. An ant. I looked down at the point of origin: one red ant had his face sucked onto my ankle bone. I flicked him off in one swift motion, and I got a sensation that he was a leach attached to my leg. I started flinging my feet every which way when I discovered that this ant, the one who had bitten into my flesh and left a burning sensation in my leg, had brought along his entourage. And, judging by the size of this posse, he must have been some sort of celebrity. Maybe a rapper or reality TV star.

When my feet were clear, I carefully examined the paws and underbellies of my walking mates. They were fine, and we continued home, my leg on fire.

By the time we reached the apartment, my ankle had swelled up and turned red. This is the kind of morning that makes me feel worse, not better, about not having given into my morning sluggishness. Here I was, in the bathroom, throwing my clothes off in a fit and trying to talk myself out of dunking my legs into a barrel of battery acid.

I arrived at work a few minutes late this morning, which, for me, is right on time. I’ve stayed at work late the past two weeks or so finishing projects that needed to be done RIGHT NOW and are of UTMOST IMPORTANCE!!! I wish I would have had the nerve to tell the bossman that I’d rather be at home with my fiancé, who would soon be out of site and out on the road again as yet another series of tournaments fills his schedule.

He finally left yesterday for his prequalifier for Q School, the bridge to the PGA Tour. So this prequalifier is like a tinier bridge that connects to the original bridge that connects to the PGA Tour. I am thrilled. Plus, I love bridges. Especially when they lead somewhere good. It’s like magic.

So while he’s gone I just go about my routine and find ways to bide my time. I mostly spend my nights watching girly movies and prime time television, eating eggplant, developing flyball strategies and try to avoid dangerous situations – like that time I was ambushed by fire ants.

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