Anything Lime



Mmmm… sludge

Patrick’s latest venture in the “Let’s Live Till We’re 193 Years Old” wellness plan is a blended drink he ripped off from Dr. Oz. It used to be that he’d come home with crazy ideas and I’d drill him for answers. Now he’s all, “Here, hold your arm this way while you watch TV, it’ll make you live longer.” I’ve been through the routine hundreds of times to the point where I don’t even question him anymore. I just do what I’m told. Which is why I’m writing this blog post without a shirt on.

I’d like to romanticize the situation by saying that his obsession with immortality began when he met me, and he wants to live forever because I make his life whole and happy. I think the more likely scenario is that he is intrigued by Jack La Lanne, a fitness guru whose lifestyle choices have kept him young well into his nineties, and has set a goal of outliving the old bag. “No Patrick, I don’t want to go to the gym,” I’ll say. “Well,” he’ll respond, “I doubt Jack La Lanne ever skipped out on the gym.” This is how it goes every day.

When Patrick and I moved in together more than a year ago, I would sneak tomatoes into his diet after I saw something on the news about the positive effects Lycopene has on the prostate. Tomatoes, Patrick’s former arch enemy, have recently become a staple in his diet plan. Why? BECAUSE IF YOU INJECT YOURSELF WITH LYCOPENE, YOU LIVE TO SEE THE LIGHT OF ANOTHER DAY! Plus, do you have ANY IDEA what Jack La Lanne has to say about Lycopene?

Overall, I’d give the blended concocction a rating of “not bad.” While I would have preferred it colder and with a few more Rolos, it was not much different than blending a salad and drinking it for breakfast. I loved the tangy flavor of the lemon and lime juices mixed with all the veggies. And the Parsley added some spice. Move over, Wheaties, this is the new breakfast of champions.

I’m flattered Patrick has taken on the role of being my personal fitness caretaker, and that he’s concerned enough about my well being that he’ll tell me which stretches I should do to prolong my life. And that he’ll rid the house of all the foods he’s deemed bad for me.

I can only imagine what Jack La Lanne has to say about Rolos.

What you will need for Dr. Oz’s Green Drink:

2 apples, cored

2 big handfuls spinach

A wad of freshly-cut grass (no bugs)

1/2 cup parsley

2 Jello Jigglers

Ok, fine, no Jello Jigglers

1 celery stalk

1 cucumber

2 small piles of dirt

2 grinch fingers

1 carrot

1 thumbnail-length peeled ginger root

1 thumbnail

Juice from 1 lime

Juice from 1/2 lemon

A non-functional gag reflex

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