Anything Lime

My dog ate my ability to update my blog in a timely manner

There’s really no excuse for my blog performance, or lack thereof, as of late. But I’d like to offer, in the form of a top 10 list, nay, a top 11 list, some bizarre things that have happened in my life so that you, my loyal readers, might have mercy and disregard my lack of posting for the past week.

11. Work work work. I know, it sounds like such a stock answer, but it really is the main consumer of my time. And with the way all of my coworkers speak in code, I’m beginning to believe that my company is a front for some black ops division of the government. Most likely. Not that I’d tell you, though, because they’re probably monitoring every thought I think and word I speak. I shouldn’t be writing this. Actually, there’s a strange man peering into my officle (not quite an office, not quite a cubicle) with a stun gun.

10. Kya has urinary incontinence that is controlled by two daily doses of medication. Two doses that have been upped in the past month and still her problem seems to persist. It’s as though her bladder has become a viking warrior pillaging through the land of prescription medication. I’ve spent a lot of time cleaning up tiny bits of dog pee. Not as fun as winning the lottery.

9. Patrick left for a three-week trip around the country playing golf while I sit at home, feeling sorry for myself with my face smashed into a bowl filled with hot fudge sundae. It burns a little, but it’s the only therapy that works.

8. I had to get some ink done in preparation for blog post 100. More specifically, a tear drop tattoo. I know – awesome. If you don’t know what I am talking about, here.

7. After one of the most moving, emotional experiences of my life, I decided to reroute the course of my existence to focus on something bigger. Yes, it’s true, after watching, “The Waterhorse,” I’ve devoted my life to discovering the truth of the mythical Loch Ness Monster. I’ll be moving to Scotland and living in trailer near the loch. Don’t call me. I won’t answer. My work is too important.

6. I’ve found that my time has been better spent filling out pointless, lengthy e-mail surveys. No joke. I filled out all the questions WITH ONE PARAGRAPH PER ANSWER! It took me four days taking breaks only to pee and stop at the water cooler to fill up (I have to get my $3.50’s worth!). It didn’t feel gratifying to finish the survey even though my answers were wordy and clever and could have only been conjured up by a writing genius. None of that matters now. Though I do finally understand the meaning behind the song lyrics, “I can’t get no… Sa-tis-fac-shun.”

5. The new episodes of “Ugly Betty” have begun to air, meaning there is no room for anything in my brain other than the drama, the overacting and the hilarity of all that is this incredibly unrealistic show. I should have to pay money, a lot of money, every Thursday night at 8/7c on ABC. (Yes, that was a plug, and no, I don’t work on commission.) It’s a brilliant show that occupies my thinking and there’s no room for anything else. Except for hot fudge sundaes. And the mystery of the Loch Ness monster. IT’S JUST SO MYSTERIOUS!

4. I got my engagement photos in the mail. All colors, all shapes and sizes, and all gorgeous. So this leads to other events, picture hanging, frame shopping, going to the dollar store to find the absolute cutest frames that look excellent on my desk. Doesn’t interest you? You’ve obviously never been exposed to the world of marvelous photo frames, and you obviously lead a dull and shameful life.

3. The power went on and off about 18 times during the course of last night. While this has absolutely no relevance here at all, it’s a strange story I thought was worth posting. Between the fire alarm across the street and that annoying noise that happens when the power comes back on, I was unable to sleep in increments longer than one hour. In fact, I gave up setting my alarm after about the fourth time of the power switching off and on and the time flashing 12:00, so I set my phone alarm for 6:15 and pushed snooze every fifteen minutes for two hours. This is my life.

2. I bought Kya a bed. she absolutely hates it. I’ve decided to starve her until she lies on it, belly up, with a smiley look on her face that says, “No, I’m not a selfish little ingrate, and I do love my bed. And I really love you, blond human who seems to be obsessed with me.”

1. I watched “Homeward Bound” on ABC the other day and went into a sobbing fit of despair, and I’d hate to meet the guy who could write an intact blog post after an experience like that.


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