Anything Lime

The twists and turns that make my life similar to a suspenseful drama series

After an eventful morning of dropping Kya off at the groomer and then doing a quick bit of shopping, I picked up my little alienhairless rat …dog from the beauty shop and we enjoyed a nice romp in the park. We played for maybe 35 minutes before racing home.

I unhooked Kya’s collar when we got inside the door of our building, and pushed her to run up the stairs. She got halfway there and started growling, which I thought was strange, and when I reached the landing in view of my apartment, I was completely startled.

A policeman was standing right outside of my door.

“You live here?” he asked, seriously.

“Um… yes. Yes.” A burglar? No… maybe my apartment is on fire! No, maybe my entire apartment detached from the rest of the units. Yes, that had to be it. MY APARTMENT FELL OF THE SIDE OF THE BUILDING AND INTO THE LAKE! AND CRUSHED ALL OF THE ENDANGERED SPECIES! AND I AM UNDER ARREST! KYA TOO!

(What? Like YOU can think straight when there’s a policeman in your face!)

“Have you ever heard the names flah flah flah bloo blub blub or blee blee froo froo plah?” (Or, so it sounded at the time.)

“No, I haven’t, I’m sorry. I haven’t lived here long.”

“When did you move in?”

oooh! An interrogation! I’m on Law & Order! “We moved in about mid February.”

“The person who’s missing,” he said, “This is listed as her most recent address.”

“I’m sorry, I wish I could help. You might ask my neighbors, they’ve lived here longer.” I said, but really wanting to say, “Want to come in? Maybe tell me the whole story? EVERY MEASLY DETAIL?

“Yeah, the neighbor came out, they don’t know anything about it. …So neither of these people has been back to the apartment since you’ve lived here, that you’re aware of?”

“No,” I said, pretending he didn’t just say, “that you’re aware of.”

“Well, you call me if you have any information at all.”

“Ok, thanks. Sorry I couldn’t be of more help,” I said, Kya STILL growling until she eventually passed out and I dragged her hairless body up the stairs and into the apartment.

I immediately went inside and put the pieces together. The woman who’s missing, she’s clearly on the run from the man, who is a threat to her life and the life of her unborn child. She fled Orlando and went into hiding, maybe in a small country town. Now, months later, photos of her have surfaced, and her baby daddy is looking to get back at her for the embarrassment she has caused him in skipping town and leaving him. So he shows up, stalks the apartment and realizes that she is not living there. In fact, he considers killing Kya and me and harboring our organs to get money to hire a private investigator, but doesn’t because that would be a time-waster in his grander scheme of things. So he continues in his pursuit of this woman, who has been missing for who knows how long, and he goes to the police, acting genuinely concerned about her well-being. His hope is that the police will lead him right to her, where he’ll finish her off, once and for all!

My thinking was interrupted when in my channel surfing I stumbled upon a rerun of “Friends.” Yay.

I’d all but forgotten about the missing woman and the story I’d conjured up in my mind. But then a neighbor came to my door a day later, wanting to hear the gossip and get the inside scoop as to why a cop was banging down my door.

In speaking with him, I learned that my apartment was vacant when he moved in. That was eight months ago. It was strange when I remembered what the apartment looked like when Patrick and I did our walk through — it was messy, things strewn about. It was all coming together… it looked as though someone had left in a hurry! My neighbor and I had a few mysterious giggles about it before returning to our daily lives.

Wherever you are, flah flah flah bloo blub blub, I hope you’re safe.


Trackbacks & Pingbacks


  1. * Ash says:

    grawling? that’s a mystery in itself.

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 1 month ago
  2. * anythinglime says:

    Ashley — if that’s all you can take out of this post, you’re seriously deranged.

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 1 month ago
  3. * Allison says:

    That is so Trixie Belden-ish :-) She always came up with very creative explanations for various crimes and other misdoings, and sometimes she was even right!

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 1 month ago

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