Anything Lime



Some much-needed family time

My mom, who is visiting from Indiana, and my grandma, a snowbird in Florida for the winter, drove over from her condo in New Port Richey to spend some time in Orlando with Patrick and me. On the way to dinner on their first night here, my grandma was telling us a story about one of her neighbors, a lovely 87-year-old lady named Jan (who told my grandma to kiss Patrick for her, FYI). Anyway, Jan has what my grandma calls “the gout.”

Just days earlier Patrick and I were discussing the humor in preceeding a disease or a sickness with “the.” I was running around, building Ikea furniture at all hours of the night screeching “ooh! I’ve got the laryngitis!” No, I didn’t really have it, but eh, whatever. It was just one of my extremely bizarre moments when I can’t help but run around the house yelling nonsensical things.

But isn’t it just kick-you-in-the-crotch hilarious when people say I’ve got the laryngitis? Or she’s got the herpes. He’s got the diabetes. It’s one of my favorite things to hear while I’m listening in on other people’s conversations.

So anyway, we’re on the way to dinner and my grandmother is telling her story about little old Jan who has the gout, and I of course interrupt to tell her that Patrick and I had recently discussed this very thing. Needless to say, she didn’t think I was funny, nor did she see any humor in the situation. I, however, had a good laugh.

We had a great time while they were in town. We took my red-headed grandma to an Irish pub and restaurant — it was as if the mother ship was calling her home. We did a little shopping up and down lovely Park Ave, a quaint little brick-paved part of Winter Park, and we had some great conversations. It’s weird to have adult conversations with the people who used to change my diapers. Weird for them, I mean.

We spent the entire next day at Sea World, and boy was it fantastic. It made me want to piss on the degree I got in college and start all over in life as a dolphin trainer. A feeling that I felt a year ago on my first trip to Sea World. Man, that’d be fricken cool. And, when I die, I want my carcass to be placed on a raft and set gently into the peaceful manatee habitat. I think the dead version of me would like that.

We were completely worn out by the end of the day, especially poor Patrick whose frown became permanent as a result of his recent golf-related wrist injury. Just walking around the park swinging his arms was enough to make the darn thing swell. He was hypersensitive to anything that came within a five-mile radius and would wince in pain at even the slightest movement of his thumb.

When it was all over, Patrick made a call to check in on his friend, a fellow golfer, who has been going through some awful health problems. “So,” his friend said to Patrick. “I hear you got the tendinitis.”

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  1. * Eco Warrior says:

    I love hearing the preceeding illnesses too! hehe

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 7 months ago


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