Anything Lime

Loss of Appetite

When I started this blog, I “promised” myself I wouldn’t write anything about anyone at work (as per the advice of Dooce). Today that has to change. Not because I have no control or nothing better to write about, but because this coworker of mine makes me so sick, that today I actually gagged… I mean, seriously gagged, as I walked past his cube.

When I started working here six months ago he was traveling, so there wasn’t much I could make for a first impression except for a picture of a thong-clad buttocks proudly displayed on one wall of his cube. This particular bum belonged to Miss September, one of the many bums within his bum bum calendar.

So, other than being a perv, I knew nothing of this guy, until he arrived weeks later and started cooking food that smelled like a back alley fish market, a smell that seemed to waft my way every day around noon. Hmm… strike two.

Because I had judged him, and rightly so, I was hesitant when I got an assignment to work with him to complete a marketing piece for his magazine. I have to say, it went surprisingly well. My overall evaluation of the situation is “not bad.” I found him to be quite professional despite his messy cube and his inability to wear shoes in the office. Even despite the way he would place his shoeless feet on his desk while he talked loudly on the phone. Even despite that!

So we’ve had a good working relationship for the past few months. I still walk by his cube and have to see the bum of Miss November (Hello! It’s not November anymore! It’s not even 2007!) every time I have to go anywhere, and because he’s someone I work with, I’ve tolerated it. But today a line was crossed. Today, my upchuck reflex took over and I can no longer ignore the things about him that make my skin crawl.

Today is his first day back at work. He’s missed a few because he has, I don’t know, the Ebola virus or SARS or something equally as nasty (and contagious, I’m sure). But I was nice about it. I even sent him this heartfelt card from, which is strange to receive from a person he barely knows, but I meant every word.

Get well soon
So instead of leaving, he insists on staying here and spreading his airborne germs throughout the office. Nasty. He’s like a giant wad of nasty, as any sick person is. But it doesn’t get any nastier than this…

I was walking back from the kitchen WITH MY LUNCH when I turned the corner, and then I saw it… he was pouring spit out of his mouth and into his garbage can. He pulled his head up he had a chain of spit HANGING FROM HIS MOUTH and TOUCHING HIS CHIN!! AAAAH! He made eye contact with me, and I can’t imagine the look that came across my face as I tried with everything inside me not to spew out the entire contents of my stomach.

He completely tainted my lunch — a plate of leftover macaroni and cheese with cut up turkey dogs from dinner last night — because who in the world could eat after witnessing something so utterly grotesque.

I’ve never, in my entire life, been so nauseated at my place of business.


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  1. * boomingemu says:

    You crack me up. I need that card!

    Again, I’m going to have to recommend Ozium. Its glycolized formula kills airborne bacteria. I don’t want you to get SARS.

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 3 months ago

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