Anything Lime

It ain’t crack, but it’s about as expensive

Not the morning traffic, not the crappy radio blah-blah and not even the nasty smell of the dumpster I walk by each morning can take me down today. No way. Today is acupuncture day, a day I burn and pine for. A day when all the stars align and I sprout wings and soar through the land of chocolate and unicorns. A day when I can traipse out of work in the middle of the day and not give a damn that I’m holding up someone else’s deadline. No way. Not on acupuncture day.

Let’s rewind a bit, shall we?

I spent several years battling the wretched pains brought on by tempromandibular joint (TMJ) dysfunction. I’ve seen every doctor, and it never ends. “Use this bite splint while you’re sleeping. Put this guard in your mouth during the day. Don’t clench while you’re driving. Take this muscle relaxer to relieve the pressure off of your ears. Take this sleep aid to keep from grinding overnight. Take this pill. Take that pill. Relieve the inflamation. Fix your bite. Don’t sleep on a pillow.”

…right, doctors, thanks for the advice that has gotten me no where at all and has even, in come cases, made things worse. Honestly, I admit, I’m the girl who is drooling incessantly on my collection of orthopedic pillows because the acrylic mouth piece I wear is the size of Rhode Island. I’m that girl. It’s hard to believe someone, an actual human person, lives with me and sleeps in the same bed I do. Maybe he’s become attracted to the sound of my teeth violently rubbing together while I sleep. Or maybe he likes it when my I drool into my own hair and it forms a matted clump. Who knows.

Now here I am, years later, same problems and different doctors. Worst part is, none of them have anything positive to tell me. …ever. “Just keep doing what you’re doing. I’ll prescribe more pain meds.”

“Thanks.” I say with a roll of my eyes, “I’ll think of you when I’m huddled over the toilet.”

So I did what any TMJ dysfunction case in my position would do… I’ve given up on Western medicine. Ok, fine, not EVERYONE would just turn to something so extreme. Unfortunately for them, they don’t get to have acupuncture day.

I know what you’re thinking, “why acupuncture? Why such an extreme?” I’ll tell you why. When it comes to the pain in my face, (or anything else in my life) I don’t fuck around.

Ok ok, I still know what you’re thinking “But needles! aren’t you nervous about the needles? They’re all needley and pokey and they’re NEEDLES!”

Well, yes, I was quite nervous at first. But children, where would we be if we never did anything that made us nervous? It makes me nervous to poop at work, but I still do it every day. Sometimes twice.

My acupuncturist is wonderful. She’s a genius of all things yin and yang. She diagnosed me as having an angry liver. (Angry liver, eh? It seems Dr. Orofacial Pain has been holding out on me!)

I’ve grown to really love acupuncture. I get this strange feeling of excitement when I walk in and hear the soothing music (which I can only assume is good for my liver) and smell the familiar smells of herbs and citrus and eucalyptus. It’s become this sweet addiction, a craving, if you will. Yes, a craving for needles.

(No, you’re not mistaken, I AM that girl who passed out while getting a tattoo.)

I am not sure whether it’s the treatments I enjoy or the knowing that it’s actually working. But in a strange way, I’ve come to enjoy getting prodded and poked. I even started taking naps during my hour-long sessions. The best part is when she comes in halfway through to re-stimulate the needles. No, I’m not on crack, I actually like it. Although, I guess to me, this has become just as addictive.

Call me what you want; I don’t care. It won’t bother me. Not today. not on acupuncture day.


Trackbacks & Pingbacks


  1. * Mom says:


    There are just some things we do not need to discuss.

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 4 months ago
  2. * samueltolmanmills says:

    Whitney, you’re hilarious. Ashley got me to read one of your entries and now I am addicted to your blog. And you inspired me to start my own!

    My first entry isn’t nearly as funny as any of yours… though it isn’t intended to be funny, so I guess in at least one way it’s a success.

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 4 months ago
  3. * Aimee says:

    I am so glad you found something that helps with your TMJ!! I have always wanted to try acupuncture.

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 3 months ago

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